Title Script: Morbegs Sexual Fan Fiction: An Adventure in Sexualism

INTERIOR. BLANK ROOM – TIME OF DAY RELEVANT

MOSSY and ROSSA are both present. They are planning on having sex.


MOSSY

I think it’s time to get pregnant.


ROSSA

Right-o.


MOSSY

Do you know how to do it?


ROSSA

Yeh… Hector showed me.[2]


MOSSY

He’s some man that Hector.


ROSSA

And I showed Hugo.[3]


MOSSY

Good man. You’re all good men. And it’s only right that ye should teach each other. I myself learnt from a little rat thing made out of marla.[4]


ROSSA

Well if we both know how to do it[5] then why don’t we just do it?


MOSSY

Yeah! I can’t wait to do it and have it done to me.


ROSSA

Great. But first let’s watch the news.


ROSSA REACHES FOR THE CHANGER COQUETTISHLY AND TURNS THE TV OVER TO RTE1. ON SCREEN THERE ARE TWO NEWS PRESENTERS BOTH NAKED IN A MOST SEXUAL MANNER. ONE PRESENTS THE NEWS AND THE OTHER IS SILENT THROUGHOUT ON ACCOUNT OF HAVING A BALL GAG FULLY ENGAGED IN THEIR MOUTH.


FIRST NEWSREADER

Did you just see that plane fly into that building?? Christ, it’s like 9/11!


SECOND NEWSREADER

(Removing ball gag) It is 9/11! It’s September 11th, 2001!


ROSSA

(To the room) What’s that?


MOSSY

It’s 9/11, i.e. the largest attack on American soil since 9/11! Since Pearl Harbour!


ROSSA

What’s that?


MOSSY

It’s when the Japanese, AKA  the eternal empire, attacked America during WW2 for no reason.


ROSSA

(Weeping) That’s awful.


MOSSY

If you think that’s bad wait til I tell you about 9/11… which just happened. Christ, I can’t believe I’m living through 9/11.


ROSSA

Somebody should call the guards![6]


MOSSY

Shut up!


ROSSA

What’ll be the outcome of this!? And what led to this?


ENTER E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL. A SHORT SQUAT. MONSTER WITH NO LEGS. AS HE HAS NO LEGS, HE IS SITTING ON A SKATEBOARD, WHICH A STAGEHAND KICKS GENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF THE MORBEGS, SENDING E.T. SKATEING INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.


E.T.

Ahem, as an American, perhaps I could be of some assistance here. You see, during the cold war we were engaged in a proxy-war in Afghanistan with the USSR. We gave random groups of people loads of guns and bombs to fight with. The idea wasn’t to win the war against Russia, but just to prolong it in order to make her bleed. I guess the locals weren’t grateful though because they began to use the weapons on us (AMERICA). We didn’t give them any Boeing planes though, so I don’t know what that’s about.


ROSSA

What happened before that?


ENTER ANOTHER E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTIAL. NOTE: WHEREAS THE FIRST E.T. HAD A SORT OF SINCERITY ABOUT  HIM,  THIS E.T. IS MORE… PERFIDIOUS. AS HE HAS NO LEGS, A STAGEHAND IS DRAGGING HIM BY HIS HAIR AND THROWS HIM ARTFULLY INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, WHERE HE LANDS WITH A SICKENING CRUNCH.


THE OTHER E.T.

As a Brit, I think I can help explain the deeper history of the situation. You see, it all started after World War One with the division of the  Middle East amongst the European  empires-


MOSSY

(Interrupting) I have a confession to make. I want to have sex. I’m on anti-depressants and I can’t cum.


ENTER PRISON GUARD[7]


PRISON GUARD

Hello.


MOSSY and ROSSA and the two E.T.s

Hello, Fulton Mackay.[8]


PRISON GUARD

Alright everyone. Free association is over. It’s time to leave this nice blank room with the state of the art cathode ray television set^[9] and go back to your tiny little cells. All locked up for your massive awful crimes.


MORBEGS and the two E.T.s

Right okay.


PRISON GUARD

Yeah get into your tiny little black box. It’s time to blast you with heavy metal music for 72 hours and poke your brain with telephone wires.


MORBEGS

Yeouch. I guess that’s what I get for being in Guantanamo Bay on the island of Cuba. I guess that’s what I get for repeatedly googling the president’s name and address, and what type of condoms he uses too. It was for a pub quiz. I shouldn’t’ve cheated but I wanted to win the round of pints for the table. I wanted to impress Mossy or Rossa. It was wrong of me.


PRISON GUARD

Too true. Ah, you’re making great progress. It’s great to see the prison rehabilitation model is working. Rhetorically I ask, what’s the point of a prison that functions only punitively? How is that going to help anyone? How will that lower recidivism? Anyway get in your little cube there. I’ve a microwave I want to put your head into. To see if I can make you glow in the dark. To see if I can make you psychic. To see if I can give you telekinesis.


MORBEGS

For what?


PRISON GUARD

For to kill the president of the United States of America, JFK. I know you thought it was 2022, and then you thought it was 2001. I suppose now you’re probably thinking its 1963. But it’s none of that. What it is is we’re in MKULTRA, a top secret experimental programme run by the United States government. And you’re some of our test subjects. Marylyn Manson was another test subject. So was Sirhan Bishara Sirhan, or at least I personally believe he was. It’s a crazy programme but someone’s got to do it.


MOSSY

I thought JFK was dead! It’s 2001, we’re on to 9/11 now.


PRISON GUARD

We did that too. We brought JFK back to life. We gave him a vaccine and his head went back to normal. But now it’s time to kill him again.


MOSSY

I don’t want to do that.

 
PRISON GUARD

Nobody ever wants to do anything. No one wants to work anymore. I’m here offering you employment, a chance to get off the dole, and you don’t want to take it. Tsk. It’s 2023, we’re after one major recession in 2008 and we’re about to enter into another. You’re being ungrateful.


MOSSY

I’m not being ungrateful. I’m very grateful for this opportunity to take on new challenges. And I know it would definitely look good on my CV. I just don’t want to do it.


PRISON GUARD

Look, you can do three things that are all psychological operations of the CIA. These are your choices. It’s inevitable but that you choose one, it’s in the script. You can kill JFK again. You can kill Jefferey Epstein and his associates. They definitely deserve it after all. I’m not sure how much good it will do in the grand scheme of things as there is always someone new willing to facilitate the sickening desires of the ruling elite. Or you can convince people that they don’t need to drink to have fun.[10]


ROSSA

You’re using us now. I’m sick of being used but I can’t see it ever stopping. Mossy and I just wanted to have sex. But if we do that now we’re not having sex with just each other. We’re making love to the camera too, and everyone who’s watching becomes an active participant. It’s an orgy. Where’s the romance in that? I think what scares me most is the constant demand to redirect the sexual libido. Take [unnamed celebrity] for example, his sexual libido is directed into looking good, not into the sex act itself. And it’s destroying him. He’s destroying his body using HGH. And here you  are, trying to redirect our sexual  energy into the political realm, into 9/11 and MKULTRA. I just want to fuck and be happy and do the political stuff apart from the sexual stuff. But I don’t know if that’s possible. Every fibre of my being is being redirected towards “productive action.” I don’t want to contribute to anything, I just want to be in love. But that can’t happen.


PRISON GUARD

What if I turned my back and turned off the lights?


MOSSY

Hmm… Okay. We’ll do all three of your requests, but when we’re done you’ll never hear from us again. Our show will be over and we won’t be coming back like Podge and Rodge or Dustin the Turkey for a nostalgic new show. We’ll just sacrifice our public selves and see what’s left of us then and hopefully there’ll be enough to be in love.


PRISON GUARD

Okay. Sounds good. The end.

[2] Hector was an Irish-language television presenter popular around the time. I presume now he is either dead or hosting a podcast.

[3] Hugo is a curious character. He’s a little goblin creature that hosted various Children’s game shows across Europe in various languages.

[4] This character needs no explanation.

[5] The sex act.

[6] This reaction by Rossa really shows the nature of the show, that it is a show for children. Only a child would think to call the guards in the belief that they’d actually do anything. The police force in this country is lazy, understaffed, and semi-criminal.

[7] They’ve been in prison this whole time.

[8] This is an easter egg. The guard has the same name as the warden from the British sitcom Porridge. Important to note that while sharing the same name, the guard in this story is nothing like the character of Fulton Mackay. Here he is cruel and twisted in a really interesting and engaging way.

[9] It’s 2001 remember.

[10] This is a psychological operation which I am ashamed I fell for. After ten years of not drinking I have began drinking again, and it definitely makes social situations more fun. You can still have fun while not drinking, it’s just a slightly diminished experience if you’re socialising in Ireland after 6pm.